Flower of Rohan

[Agents Lothy and Rowyn]

Disclaimer: As usual, Tolkien, Jay and Acacia own everything except us and the 'Sue. Although Gladiator should own Lucien, Isilmeraven does. You can find the original here: www.fanfiction.net/s/1367514/1/

---

BEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!

Lothy swore carefully and fluently in a variety of languages as she went over to her console and glanced at the assignment. Surprisingly enough, she then shut up. Rowyn looked up from feeding Faramin and Pensive, looking worried. When Lothy wasn't swearing, it was bound to be bad.

Lothy was staring at the screen, every muscle in her body tensed, her eyes blazing.

"Um...Lothy?"

The only response was the shattering crack of plastic as Lothy slammed her fist through the console. "Lothy?" Rowyn was really worried now.

"I apologise for everything I've ever said about you and Faramir fics. I take back every comment about your violent tendencies and foul language."

"Um...thanks," Rowyn offered. "Can we go to Medical now?"

***
"What?" Doctor Fitzgerald snapped as they came in.

"I'm bleeding," Lothy said calmly.

"She punched her console," Rowyn explained. "Fix, please."

It took only a few moments: Medical was used to dealing with all kinds of emergencies. A cut hand was no problem.

"Thank you," Lothy said pleasantly, and walked out. Rowyn followed, debating whether or not to ask her partner what had her so upset. She guessed it had something to do with Éomer...

"We have to figure something out for this. There is nothing we can do that is bad enough for her."

"Portal to the First Age and feed her to Ungoliant?" Rowyn offered.

"No, if that was enough I'd set the torture-masters of Scanra on her."

"The what?" Rowyn asked, confused. Lothy just stared at her levelly, and Rowyn shrugged. "Then what?"

Lothy gave a slight smile, all the more frightening for her utter calm.

"She wants to mess with Éomer, she can try it. A sane Éomer."

Rowyn grinned evilly.

"Can we be Orcs this time?" she asked.

"Uruks." Lothy said, as they turned into their quarters. Rowyn quickly sent an email to Makes-Things to tell him they needed a monitor fixed, then tapped at the console and shortly a portal opened. They stepped through, Rowyn grabbing her bag just in time. As the disguises settled around them, Lothy gave a feral grin and turned towards Edoras.

"Aww, look--her mommy died," Rowyn said sarcastically.

"She's gonna suffer a lot more than that," Lothy muttered. "The bloody Sue thinks that Éomer rules Rohan!"

"Can it not stop for one minute? Makes the digging harder". She mumbled to herself. So concentrating on her task that she did not hear hoof beats upon the ground. Nor see the rider that stopped behind her. "Maiden, you are of our village?" she spun around dropping the shovel to the ground. "I am of that village, why do you ask?" she asked. The rider leant forward from his mount. She noticed his eyes, so brown, so gentle they seemed, but at the moment it seemed that he was displeased at something or someone. "Because orders were that you were to go to helms deep". He answered.

"Periods go BEFORE the quotation mark, it shouldn't be a period, it should be a comma, personal pronouns after someone says something aren't capitalized, the capital of Rohan is not a 'village', and Helm's Deep IS capitalized," Rowyn muttered, scribbling at the charge list.

Lothy swore as Éomer complimented the 'Sue and she had the sheer audacity to interrupt him.

"Give me the CAD," Lothy said grimly. Rowyn handed it to her and backed off several paces as she aimed it at Éomer.

[/i][BEEEEEEEEEEP! Éomer Éadig. Canon/noncanon/canon/noncanon charactereggrollsnosuesaaahbalrogandangerofmightysmiters...][/i]

"Character replacement." The two words were given with absolutely no emotion or inflection whatsoever. Rowyn bit her nail.

"What is your name maiden?" "Lucien my lord". She answered softly.

"Has this author not heard of commas?" Rowyn demanded, fingering her crude Orc blade. "And Lucien? Lucien is a guy's name, and it's Roman on top of that!"
Lucien galloped hard, trying to match the hoof beats to that of her heart. She headed for the forest that lined the river. At least there she may be able to take cover. But she did not plan on meeting the 3 strangers that came her way.

Even Lothy cracked a smile as Lucien's heart sprouted hooves nearly identical to her nameless steed's. Rowyn growled and reached for her sword again as the 'Sue then proceeded to advise a very nondescript Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli to bring "the white wizard" with him to Edoras. "They don't go towards Edoras until after they find Gandalf! Even the non-book-reading movie fans know that much!"

Lothy quickly pulled her partner down behind a rock as three Orcs proceeded to pull Lucien off of her horse, and she began to fight back in Warrior!Sue style. As they watched the fight, Rowyn whispered to Lothy, "We’ve already got character replacement and gross deviations from anything resembling a canon-based plot. Isn’t that enough?"

Lothy shook her head, clenching her jaw tightly as their entire surroundings turned to darkness. Rowyn dropped her head into her hand, barely noting how unusual the action seemed in an Uruk’s body. "You’re only making it worse for yourself, you know."

"Shhh!" Lothy exclaimed, waving a hand at Rowyn to quiet her down. Though their surroundings had not changed, they could hear the voices of Éomer and "his man" deciding to take the ‘Sue with them to Helm’s Deep, so that Éowyn could take care of her.

"‘ She had the hands of a healer. In some cases.’?" Rowyn exclaimed, reading from the Words once their surroundings brightened up enough. "I thought that the King was supposed to have the hands of a healer?"

"She didn’t decide to be a healer until after the Houses of Healing anyway," Lothy added.

"I have a feeling I’m not going to like this..." Rowyn muttered. She absolutely hated bad portrayals of the shieldmaiden. "We’d better change disguises; we’ll never get into Helm’s Deep like this. Not yet, anyway."

They reached the fortress and he carried the maiden into a room where Eowyn could tend to her. "Care for her sister, she has had many a battle today". He told her softly.

"I thought it was one," Lothy said, glad for the generic Rohirric soldier helm that hid her dark hair.

"If you could even call that a battle," Rowyn added contemptuously.

The ‘Sue moaned and opened her eyes, revealing dark green...something, and "eowyn" began talking to her. Once "Lucien milady" told the not-quite-a-shieldmaiden her name, Lothy began to reach for the quiver strapped to her back. Rowyn quickly restrained her with one hand, awkwardly writing in her notebook with the other while balancing the notebook between her knee and the wall. "Can’t even give Éowyn enough respect to capitalize her name more than every other sentence..." she muttered.

Lothy started cursing in surprisingly fluent Rohirric as Lucien’s hair suddenly became clean and soft to the touch, and Éowyn decided to help her prepare to take a walk even though she had just said she might let her out of bed the next day. Rowyn followed suit as Éowyn stated that they had more than enough men to fight, and didn’t make even the slightest effort to protest that she could fight herself.

Lothy and Rowyn were wandering through Helm's Deep, fairly unobtrusively, in an attempt on Rowyn's part to distract Lothy. But so far it didn't appear to be working too well. Suddenly her partner broke out.
"How can they DO that?" she demanded.

"What?" Rowyn asked.

"This!" Lothy replied, gesturing to their surroundings. "How can those...SUES take someone as noble, as proud, as dignified as Éomer and turn him into a whimpering little pup?"

"I agree," a deep voice said from behind them. Lothy froze.

"Oh dear Eru," Rowyn said prayerfully, and slowly turned as Lothy began to shake.

"You appear to know something of this...female," Éomer said, and when he said it, it became almost a curse.

"We're going to help," Lothy whispered. "We'll stop her. I swear it."

"If it was not against my very being to strike a woman, however low, I would aid you," Éomer said, looking almost regretful. "Here." He dropped a ring into Lothy's palm. "If you need aught, go to the lowest you may find and show this. If you find someone dirty and common enough, they may still be themselves."

Lothy swallowed hard. "You're-" her voice trailed off as the future king of Rohan grinned almost impishly at her.
"I do not like being turned into a whimpering pup," he said, grim for an instant. "I am the Third Marshal of the Riddermark, nephew and heir to Théoden King. And you will aid me, or I am much mistaken." Rowyn and Lothy both nodded. "I know what will happen when she comes to me," Éomer said, looking in distaste at the slowly approaching figure of the 'Sue. "Thank you, and I will not forget this." He bowed, turned, and left.

"He will," Lothy whispered, almost crying. "She's gonna get him under her d**n influence again, and he'll forget, and she'll turn him into an idiot again, when he's the best, most honorable, courageous, intelligent man ever to walk this earth, and she's going to do that to him, and I can't even do anything yet..."

Rowyn hugged her partner impulsively.

"C’mon," Lothy said. "I’m gonna kill her." Rowyn just nodded sympathetically, remembering exactly how she’d felt when Faramir was being followed around by a ‘Sue.

[Agents Lothy and Rowyn]

***

"an orc is in here?". Eowyn asked. Lucien nodded and grabbed the sword that eomer had left with her. She walked towards the smell, although it disgusted her to death, she tried hard to think of a fresh smelling flower to dispel the smell. "Lucien no, stay here". Eowyn called to her. "and what let it come here and kill one of our children?" she asked angrily. "I had never thought you afraid eowyn". She turned back to her path and kept walking, the frightened murmurs of the women and children now behind her.

Rowyn’s hand clenched into a fist, which she pounded into her other hand. "Oh yes, the woman who was willing to take on the Witch King without flinching is afraid of a mere orc. That’s just great."

Lothy started to walk towards the ‘Sue, a menacing gleam in her eye. Rowyn glanced at the Words, then grabbed her partner’s arm and pulled her back down behind a nearby rock. "What are you doing?" Lothy protested.

Rowyn pointed towards the large, unusually smelly Uruk who was now holding Lucien against the wall by the neck. "I think it’s time to take a little advice from Captain Jack Sparrow," she said with a grin. "Wait for the opportune moment."

The ‘Sue ran the Uruk through with her sword, but before he fell he slashed her across some unspecified part of her body with his own blade. She slid down the wall, landing in a heap at the bottom, a dazed look on her face.

Rowyn glanced over at Lothy, who nodded, and the two of them left their hiding place and headed for the ‘Sue.

***

Éowyn stalked through the caves, clutching her sword in one hand and with a glare on her face that would have frightened off an angry orc. As if it hadn’t been enough that she had been forced into these accursed caves with the women and children, when she was perfectly capable of fighting alongside the men, that...woman...had taken her one opportunity to defend her people. She still wasn’t quite sure how that had happened; all day she had been troubled by the vague sense that something wasn’t right, but it seemed like her ability to think clearly was clouded somehow whenever that Lucien, or whatever her name was, was nearby. And as if it weren’t enough that her own mind was affected so, that little witch seemed to have her brother under an even worse spell. Her hand clenched tighter as she remembered seeing Éomer kiss her earlier.

She had to be going the right way, she decided. Her anger was already changing to concern over her dear friend that she had only known for a few hours, and she fought that with every ounce of willpower she possessed. She finally heard some voices ahead.

"Would you hurry up with that rope, Rowyn? She’s going to bleed to death before we even get to charge her!" a very irritated-sounding female voice said.

"I’m trying! You try tying ropes with hands like these...here, gimme that," a second voice replied. There was a strange crackling noise, then she added, "Much better." Éowyn crept forward to see a dead orc, an unconscious Lucien, and two strangers, dressed as Rohirric women. One, who was impatiently pacing the corridor, appeared to be of Gondorian descent, with dark hair and eyes, while the other, who was tying Lucien’s ankles together, looked as if she could have some Rohirric blood, if her reddish hair was any indication. "Why don’t you go ahead and open the portal if you want to speed...this..." the red-haired woman, whom Éowyn presumed was Rowyn, turned around as she spoke, her voice trailing off.

Éowyn looked at them, uncertain whether to attack them in an attempt to rescue Lucien or to thank them for...whatever they were doing. Finally, she asked, "Who are you? And what are you doing?"

Rowyn straightened up. "Trust me, you’ll thank us later," she replied, sounding a bit in awe of her for some reason.

The shorter, dark haired woman stepped forward. "Please give Lord Éomer my thanks," she asked. "Say Lothloriel gives him her greatest respect and will never cease to pursue these women."

Éowyn looked puzzled, but nodded. "I shall."

Lothy nodded respectfully, then turned to Lucien and grabbed the rope tied to her ankles. "Ready?" she asked Rowyn.

"Almost," Rowyn replied, taking out a strange-looking device and opening what appeared to be a hole in thin air.

Éowyn could do nothing but stare. "What kind of strange magic is this?" she asked in wonder.

Rowyn grinned. "Don’t worry, you won’t remember a thing once she’s gone," she said, kicking at the unconscious ‘Sue. And then she glanced down, saying softly to Lothy, "I can’t believe I’m talking to Éowyn!"

Lothy smiled a little. "Ok, let’s go."

"She’s not bleeding hard... can’t I at least get her to show me how to decapitate an orc or something?" Rowyn protested.

"Rowyn!" Lothy rolled her eyes, then turned to Éowyn. "Don’t mind her... you’re practically her hero."

Éowyn smiled, still unsure what to make of all this.

"Oh, fine," Rowyn muttered. She then turned to Éowyn and nodded her head respectfully. "Westu hál," she said, then disappeared into the strange hole. Lothy followed, dragging the ‘Sue behind her, and the portal winked out of existence.

Éowyn stared for a moment, then shook her head, wondering what she was doing in that part of the caves, and headed back to her people.

***

"Where are we, Rowyn?" Lothy asked, waving a hand in front of her face. She couldn’t see it.

"Moria," Rowyn replied cheerfully. "Can I feed a hand or something to the Balrog? Please?"

"Rowyyyyyyn..." Lothy groaned.

"Okay, okay," Rowyn muttered. "Where do you want to go?"

"Somewhere with light would be good," Lothy said. She could hear Rowyn fiddling with the portal generator, then a shimmering portal opened.

"Nice of HQ to make these things glow in the dark," Lothy commented, dragging Lucien behind her as she stepped through...and shrieked.

"Lorien! FUN!"

"But what’re we going to do with this?" Rowyn complained, kicking the ‘Sue.

"Watch and weep, partner," Lothy said, grinning ferociously. Behind them a musical note sounded and they both turned just in time to see a portal open and a leather-clad Éomer step through along with his sister.

"Eeep" Lothy said, and promptly went several shades of red.

"Do I know you?" Éomer asked, looking at her curiously.

"Um...kind’ve..." she said, flushing again under his bemused stare. Éowyn was looking at Rowyn, who was trying not to laugh at Lothy.

"I believe this is the baggage you spoke of?" Éowyn asked, deigning to glance at the ‘Sue.

"I hope you can come up with something very painful," Lothy said. Éomer grinned at her.

"Trust me, we will," he said. ‘Have you charged her?"

"Oops," Rowyn said. She kicked the ‘Sue until ‘Lucien’ came around.

"Lucien, you are charged with being a Mary-Sue, with destroying the characters of Éomer, Éowyn, and Legolas, with every spelling and grammar charge in the book, with hitting on PPC agents’ lust objects-" Lothy growled and Éomer grinned faintly- "also with wrecking the space/time continuum, with having a Roman boy’s name, with making Éowyn a wimp, ticking off PPC agents, turning Éomer into a love-struck fool, altering known canonicals’ journeys, gratuitous knowledge of canon events beforehand, and various other things. Any last words?"

"Éomer!" the ‘Sue implored, looking up at him pitifully. "Save me!"

Éomer looked at her for a moment, then carefully and deliberately spat on the ground in front of her.

"Very painful, definitely," he said to Lothy. "Care to come watch?"

Lothy looked wistful and glanced at Rowyn.

"We’d love to," Rowyn said, "but we have to get back to HQ and send the report."

"Come to OFUM afterwards," Éowyn invited. "We can always use PPC agents, plus you get to see Gondor, and you can meet everyone...not that I’d willingly inflict the Witch-Wall on you..."

Even after both portals closed, Lorien still echoed with the agents’ laughter.

[Lothy's A/N: Éomer...*drools* I could kill this 'Sue though.
Not only did she go after Eomer, but the story itself was terribly written
as well as utterly implausible.]

[Rowyn’s A/N: Just a little note on the hierarchy of evil in Middle Earth,
since the author seems to be confused: Nazgûl are scarier than orcs. Even Uruk-hai.
So what on Arda was she thinking when she made Éowyn afraid of
ONE BLOODY URUK? *screams* I need to go hit something.]