The First Assignment: Who Is She Really

[Agent Rowyn]

The First Assignment: Who Is She Really.

Disclaimer: Disney owns Pirates, Jay and Acacia own PPC. Lil Moon Witch owns Star, thank goodness. Here's the original story, if you're feeling masochistic: www.fanfiction.net/s/1864978/1/



Lothy wandered through the halls, dodging minis of all types. Orientation hadn’t oriented her at all; if anything, she was more confused than she’d been before. Lothy rounded a corner and walked straight into someone with coppery hair.

“Ow,” the other person said. Lothy shook her head to clear it and looked up from her rather undignified position on the floor.

“ROWYN!” she shouted. Rowyn blinked. “Lothy?” Lothy nodded furiously and Rowyn quickly helped her up. After the hugs were done with, they began to talk about everything they’d done since being separated right before Orientation.

“Where are we, anyway?” Lothy asked.

“Um…” Rowyn said, and pointed. Lothy turned and her jaw dropped. The door in front of them had a shiny new brass plaque on it. It read “Agents Rowyn and Lothloriel.”

“We have a plaque?” Lothy asked.

“Guess so,” Rowyn said, picking up her bag and opening the door.

Lothy flipped the light on and they began to explore their new quarters. There were two bedrooms, each with bed, nightstand, dresser, and shower; a kitchenette, and a large room that had two bookcases, already filled from the crates of books both Rowyn and Lothy had brought, and two consoles. Lothy went over and sat down at hers, more from curiosity than anything. She poked at the unfamiliar buttons, turning it on. Suddenly there was a loud BEEEEEEEEEEP and she jumped back. A red screen with white words came up and started blinking insistently.

Rowyn ran over and began to read the message. Loth could catch some of what she said.

“…new recruits….you have been selected….lack of senior agents….go together….Who Is She…suspected over 40 violations….quick job…Pirates of the Caribbean…”

Rowyn looked over at Lothy. “We’re going PPC-ing?”

Lothy nodded. “Yeah. Alone.”

“Oh joy.”

Rowyn quickly grabbed a historically accurate leather satchel and began filling it with her supplies. "Let's see… Discman, extra batteries, book…" she muttered to herself as she stuffed a bag of mixed dried fruit and some other snacks into her bag. Rowyn picked up the Character Analysis Device from the desk, then began tearing through her things almost frantically. Lothy turned to watch her.

"Is something wrong? " she asked.

Rowyn picked up a small bottle. "No, found it."

"Aspirin?" Lothy asked.

"No," Rowyn said, looking a little embarrassed. "It's for seasickness."

Lothy's brown eyes widened. "You get seasick? Then why on earth would they put you in…" her voice trailed off as Rowyn finished, "Universal Laws of Comedy, right?"

Lothy groaned and ran to her room to start packing. Finding a canonical leather bag already open on her bed, she shrugged and began packing.

“Um…lessee…need Polaroid with extra film…Sony…my dried peaches…flashlight…batteries…Ibuprofen…”

Finally they were both packed. Glancing over as she double-checked her weapons, Rowyn could see that Lothy’s bangs clung to her forehead with sweat.

“We need to pick disguises,” she said, quickly scanning the words. A barely-suppressed shudder of disgust ran through her as she looked them over. “It looks like maybe we should start out as townspeople. Hopefully we can switch to pirates or something later,” she added.

“Fine with me. I guess we should get going,” Lothy replied.

Rowyn took a deep breath. “You ready?” she asked.

“No,” Lothy said, nervously rubbing her potted cactus Department of Mary-Sues insignia. “You?”

“Nope,” Rowyn said. “Let’s do it.”

“Right.” Lothy tapped out the sequence and a portal opened. They stepped through it and the world went dark.

~~~~~~~

Lothy grunted as she landed on something hard. “Where are we?”

“Um….I *think* we’re in Governor Swann’s house,” Rowyn replied. Glancing around, Lothy immediately saw that she was correct.

“STAR YOU LITTLE BRAT THAT WAS A PERFECT CHANSE FOR WILL TO ASK ME OUT!” Shouted Elizabeth Swan, you see right after the movie ended and Elizabeth had been left alone with Will, Star came running up shouting ‘WILL WILL’ just as Will was about to say something to Elizabeth, and when they got home Star got it. From her dad to, because Elizabeth and Will weren’t officially ‘dating’, now bad rumors might spread about Elizabeth.

“Just after the movie ended?” Lothy wondered. “Oh, that’s a good sign…”

“He wouldn’t ask you out anyway,” Rowyn grumbled. “Modern dating hadn’t been invented yet.” She turned on her Character Analysis Device and pointed it at Elizabeth. The device started smoking, and Rowyn nearly dropped it as she fumbled to turn it off before it exploded.

“It’s not working?” Lothy asked. “Great… Makes-Things is going to kill us if we broke it so soon into our first assignment!”

Rowyn furrowed her brow as she scanned the words again. “Something’s not right here…wait! No wonder it’s not working. Elizabeth’s been replaced completely!”<br>
“What?”

“Look,” she said, pointing to the words. “Elizabeth Swann—two N’s—is now Elizabeth Swan, with only one N. Watch this.” She pointed the device at Will, and watched as words flashed across the screen. “William Turner. Male. Canon. Out of Character 87.49%.”

“‘Although she was very pretty with her sun blonde layered hair, sky blue eyes, and light tanned skin she was in Elizabeth’s shadow…’” Lothy read from the text. Rowyn winced again. “Sun blonde layered hair?” Lothy nodded and looked back at the text as Gov. Swann began to yell at the Sue in the next room. Suddenly time and space wrenched around them, and suddenly they were in ‘Will’s’ shop. Rowyn looked slightly seasick already as she staggered over to Lothy.

“Is it that bad every time?” she asked.

“How should I know?” Lothy demanded. Lothy was not at her best when surrounded by bad grammar and spelling, and at the moment she was severely ticked off by watching the Sue.

“Fine,” Rowyn muttered.

“Charge number one,” Lothy dictated, watching as the Sue’s ‘plane white dress’ became a white dress with little planes all over the material while her friend Kea plotted to attack Elizabeth with Star’s invisible cat. “Tampering with canonical places. Charge two, creation of a Sue. Charge three, use of magical Cute Little Animal Friend. Charge four, annoying PPC agents. Charge five, displaying extreme stupidity or causing canon characters to act stupidly. Charge six, hitting on PPC agents’ lust objects-”

“Lothy?”

“What?”

“You might want to wait a while. We can recite the charges when we kill her.”

“Right.” Lothy took a deep breath and watched as the Sue continued speaking.

“Pictures?” Rowyn asked. “Pictures? They didn’t have pictures back then!”

Lothy scribbled something down on her yellow legal pad, while Rowyn began wandering around the shop as if she was looking for something. “What are you doing?” Lothy asked.

“Looking for the cat,” Rowyn said. “Poor thing shouldn’t be left here with all these ‘Sues. Here, kitty, kitty…” Lothy just grinned and rolled her eyes.

“I MEAN THEY SHOULD BE SENT TO THE LOONY BEN!” the first Sue yelled.

“You mean a crazy Gentle Ben? You should,” Lothy muttered.

“NOW.” Said Will imperatively (AN: AHHHHHHH CRTCT word 0o0AHH means demandingly).

The two agents looked at each other blankly as the author’s note trailed off into silence. “CRTCT?” Rowyn repeated. “What the heck does she mean by that?”

Lothy shrugged. “Your guess is as good as mine. But imperatively does NOT mean demandingly.”

“Ooh, I found it!” Rowyn said, looking as if she were cradling something in her arms and trying to comfort it. “Poor kitty, they didn’t even give you a name! I wonder if there’s a way we can make you visible?”

“What are you going to do with him… her…whatever?” Lothy asked.

“Taking him with us, I guess,” Rowyn answered. “I don’t think we’re allowed to leave him here.” She quickly pulled a piece of string out of her bag and tied it around the invisible cat’s neck, then put the animal into her bag. Lothy could see the flap moving slightly.

After that, they watched, albeit noisily, until the fifth spatial wrench in as many minutes occurred. Chasing an aspirin down with a swallow of water, Lothy choked.

[Agent Rowyn]

A blond haired boy was sitting at the side of a clear stream that did not reflect faces of people if they looked in it. He had a fair pale face, and silver clothing. He was playing a piccolo (a small flute and that’s a musical instrument that you play in a school band.) while a calico cat walked around him. “Come on Baby lets go home.” He said and they walked off into the horizon just as the last of the suns rays faded.

“Okay, that was one of the most random things I’ve ever seen. And silver clothing…I think that definitely counts as a fashion crime. I would think it would be too hard to move in.” Lothy scribbled on her notepad, then turned to Rowyn, who was just now uncovering her ears, a look of pain on her face. “Are you all right?”

“She just had to say it was a ‘school band’ instrument, didn’t she? Didn’t you hear how out-of-tune that thing was?” Rowyn shook her head, then smiled a little again as the boy walked straight into the word ‘horizon’.

“Watch out” Lothy said, watching the words. “Spatial wrench in five, four, three, two, one!”

The world jerked and Lothy almost dropped her notepad. The ’Sue appeared, dropped a note with ‘KEA’ in large letters on the front on her floor, then left.

“’Nother one coming up,” Rowyn said. Lothy grabbed onto Rowyn’s arm for support this time.

“You OK?” Rowyn asked concernedly. Lothy was a pale shade of green.

“I’ll live,” she said. “Feels too much like going straight down on a roller coaster for comfort.”

“That’ funny I herd s’reaming from the beach.” Said Jack, Will looked alarmed.

“Misuse of basic punctuation…” Lothy muttered as she wrote.

Rowyn scribbled something into her own notebook. “What on earth is a s’reaming? And how do you herd it?” She shook her head. “Poor Jack. If he was going to talk like that, she could have at least had the decency to make him drunk.”

“Not that he would talk like that even if he WAS drunk…” Lothy said.

“True, but at least then he would have an excuse,” Rowyn argued. She would have said more, but Evil!Elizabeth interrupted.

“Star hates the ocean it could not have been her.” Said Elizabeth, lying.

“Lying?” Lothy cried. “LYING? I’m gonna kill her!”

“You have to wait,” Rowyn reminded her. “We’ve only met 3 OCs so far.”


“Here it comes,” Lothy muttered, holding onto her satchel as the dirt floor changed to a sandy beach.

“Tis not important who thy is, you are on the beach remember Starlight.” Said the young boy in an odd old English tone of voice.

“’Thy’ means ‘your’, not ‘I’, you idiot,” Rowyn said, glaring at the Sue. “Shall I compare thy brain to a block of wood?”

“Yes... I... I remember... h... He tried to... To kill me... Who... Who is Starlight?” asked Star confused that someone called her by her mothers name. ‘MOM’ thought Star rather suddenly.

“Her mother’s name is Starlight, and she named her daughter Star? Originality must run in the family,” Lothy said, rolling her eyes.

“Wait a sec… I don’t remember seeing anything about anyone trying to kill her.” Rowyn flipped through the notebook, then shook her head. “Nothing. Good thing though; can’t have anyone stealing our job now, can we?”


“Thy wilts not call thee Star on the basis it dose not suet thee,” Said the boy “, thy must go now” and with that disappeared.

“SUET?” she cried. Rowyn clapped a hand over Lothy’s mouth as Star glanced around. When she removed it, “Suet is a pudding!” Lothy continued, though quieter now.

Rowyn glanced up at the text. “Want to take a break? We get about… mmm… ‘hours’ -I’d say around four- while the ’Sue ‘walks around for hours until sunrise’.”

“Yeah,” Lothy said around a mouthful of dried peaches. “And next time we hide, I’m in front.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re four inches taller than me,” Lothy pointed out, “and when you’re in front I can’t see.”

“Don’t see why you’d want to see anything,” Rowyn said.

“Charge list,” Lothy replied simply.

Rowyn shrugged, pulled out her Discman and began playing Enya’s May It Be. Lothy simply rolled up her jacket and went to sleep.

~~~~~~~

Disclaimer: “I don’t wanna say it (pouts) Jack you say it.”

Jack: “SHE DON’T OWN NOTHING AND ITS CAPTIN”

The booming voice and bad spelling woke Rowyn and Lothy at the same time. Lothy sat up, startled, while Rowyn fumbled around for either a dagger or an alarm clock; she wasn’t sure which. “That’s CAPTAIN,” she groaned. “At least we didn’t miss anything important…”

“But we will if we don’t get moving. We need to get to her house, now!” Lothy said, re-opening the portal.


The sun peaked through the open window as it came up over the ocean and shimmered on the water. It slowly crept over the light brown wood floor, up the sheets on the bead and lightly graced the pillow that Star Swans head was suppose to be, on but it wasn’t. In fact, no one was in the room... Then a plop came from the side of the room the open window was on. What caused the noise was a sky blue book bag, and seconds later followed by a young blond girl, her hair cut in layers starting at her chin going down her back a little, wearing a SHIRT AND PANTS!? That was un common for a girl. Well any way the shirt was a light blue color and the pants were white.

“Sheets on a bead? And her head is a feather-stuffed bag now. That explains a lot.” Lothy scribbled on her notepad again.

“No one would have sky blue book bags back then!” Rowyn added. “And I’m seriously doubting the hairstyle too.”

“That sun looks ill,” Lothy said.

“What do you expect?” Rowyn asked. “It’s peaked.”

Then both agents grimaced as another shift occurred. They landed in Will’s blacksmith shop just in time to hear Jack tell Will that Barbossa’s son wanted to kill Elizabeth for some odd reason. “At least that’s what I here,” he said. Rowyn glared and muttered something less-than-complimentary about authors who assume that just because Jack’s a pirate, he couldn’t speak basic English. “And isn’t ‘Connor’ supposed to be spelled with an o?” she asked.

“Why Elizabeth?” Will asked Jack leaning back in his chair.

“How hard can it be to add one tiny little comma?” Lothy complained.

“Hold on… major time shift ahead,” Rowyn warned her.

[Agent Rowyn]

“Don’t know mate. Don’t know...” Said Jack letting his sentence trial off into silence.

“James? James dear, wake up dear.” A middle-aged woman with graying blond hair, sky blue eyes, pale skin, and a forest green dress with lace on it said to a young boy with black hair, cut short in a feathery layered sort of way, sky blue eyes pale yet tanned skin.

The two agents shook their heads to clear them. “Not nearly as bad when you know they’re coming,” Lothy said.

Rowyn nodded her agreement. “But it’s not over yet,” she said. “We’re going to have another one in just a moment.”

“Ow,” Lothy said. “Pale yet tanned skin? That hurts my eyes.” Rowyn glanced over and immediately glanced back. Lothy was right, the contradictory colors created a extremely painful look.

“Yes mother.” Said the boy in a sleepy voice seeing as he had just woke up.

“The ship sales at midnight tonight.” She said in that mysteries voice.

“Kea help me with my dress please.” Said Star calling her personal maid. ‘Ug I have to wear a STUPID corset to Commodore Noringtons brother’s ceremony to become a commander... There are too many commanders in this world, AND there all Cheese Brains. They all should be attacked by flying hamsters...’ thought Star as her maid ran to help her get dressed.

Once the earth stopped lurching, Rowyn began frantically scribbling. “Cheese Brains sounds like a more modern insult, unauthorized abuse of mutated rodents…”

“I want to hear more about the ship sale. Maybe we could buy one, tie her to the mast and blast it down to Davy Jones’ locker,” Lothy said.

Rowyn flipped a page in her notebook. “This list is getting pretty long. How much longer do we have to wait to kill her?”

“At least until we run into the rest of the OC’s, I’m afraid.” The agents made the mistake of glancing over at Star, shuddering at the poofy, ribbon-bedecked ocean blue monstrosity she was wearing. “Let’s skip ahead a little. All she’s going to do for the next several minutes is rant about how ‘evil and even more evil’ Elizabeth is and how much she wants Will.”

“Not to mention her attempt to be Catwoman,” Rowyn added, glancing over Lothy’s shoulder. “Ok, let’s skip ahead to the party. At least then we can avoid that stupid author’s note that explains all about her mom’s ‘Sue powers and her magic jewelry.”

Lothy pressed a few buttons, and they emerged in front of the nondescript building where the ceremony was to be held. They were now disguised as upper-class ladies. They had just enough time to laugh as Star was knocked out of her thoughts upon her arrival before the world went into fast forward, leaving the two agents reeling as it slowed down just after the Commodore’s promotion ceremony.

“Commodore, please call me Star.” She said trying to doge his question.

“In that case, call me Caspian.” He said ‘Cute name’ Star thought.

“They just had to drag Narnia into it…I liked Prince Caspian too. He’s mine,” Rowyn complained, pointing at the new Commodore. Lothy nodded as Caspian said Star’s name was cute.

Their conversation was interrupted when, shockingly enough, a bunch of pirates burst into the room, shouting that they were looking for a “girley who don’t belong here.”

“No kidding,” Rowyn said. “Shall we skip Evil!Elizabeth’s betrayal of her poor half-sister and get to the ship?”

“Please,” Lothy replied. They stepped through the portal onto a ship, now dressed as pirates.

“Much better,” Rowyn said, looking at her outfit. “Do you think I can take these boots back with me?”

“Focus, Rowyn,” Lothy admonished.

“Oh, right. So now we have to find…” she scanned the words. “…Conner Barbossa and the detailed description of his ‘moon-light’ pale skin, yadda yadda.” The agents moved outside the door of Conner’s cabin just in time to hear Star rambling about how Conner would NOT get her magic necklace, and that it allowed her to talk to spirits.

“I see dead people,” Rowyn whispered melodramatically, rolling her eyes. Lothy gave her a dirty look. “Sorry, couldn’t resist.”

“I don’t care if you talk to dead people; you have amazing skills that’s what I find amazing and freighting.”

“Freighting?” Lothy repeated incredulously.

“Are you really a pirate? Am I dreaming? I don’t know what to think... This is so cool but I’m scared at the same time. Are you going to kill me?” Asked Star in a worried voice.

“No, we are,” Rowyn muttered. “And no, this is not ‘cool.’ This is colonial Jamaica, not late 20th-century America.”

“Okay,” Lothy announced, flipping through her notepad. “We get to kill her now.”

“YES!” Rowyn yelled, pumping her fist in the air, not caring whether the ‘Sue heard or not.

Star whirled around, looking suddenly frightened and began fiddling with the belt of her dress…

Two pirates, both female, stepped into the cabin. Conner leapt to his feet, but the shorter of the two aimed a pistol at him and thingyed it. “Wouldn’t try that if I were you, laddy me buck,” she said, baring teeth in a savage grin.

The second pirate relieved Star of the sword she had somehow managed to secrete in her sash and cleared her throat.

“Star Swan,” she paused and winced at the horrible name, “you are charged with being a Mary-Sue, with repeatedly denying that fact, with meddling with the characters of Will Turner, Jack Sparrow, and Governor Swann, with completely replacing the character of Elizabeth Swann, with completely disregarding the rules of the English language, with writing run-on sentences which are clearly catching-” here she stopped, took a deep breath and continued. “You are also charged with making Evil!Elizabeth and Evil!Governor Swann just so you can be angsty, with the possession of magic Sue jewelry-” she jerked the necklace off of Star’s neck. “And also with making Jack talk like an idiot, tampering with canonical places, having horrible taste in clothes, having a hair color that defies the laws of nature, and use of a Cute Little Magical Animal Friend. Any last words?”

“You can’t do this!” Star stammered. The shorter pirate’s pistol fired and Star fell onto the floor.

“Waste of last words,” the pirate remarked, blowing away the smoke from her gun. “Wanna do the honors, Rowyn?”

“With pleasure,” the copper-haired pirate replied. Picking up the Sue’s sword, she ran ‘Conner Barbossa’ through before he had a chance to protest. “Now for Commodore ‘Caspian Norington,’” she said, tossing the sword out the window. “Can I kill him, too?”

“Sure.”

The monkey called Jack watched from a corner, chattering angrily as the smaller pirate fiddled with a device and opened a window in the air. He smiled happily when they went through it and it disappeared.

~~~~~~~

“Hello.”

Caspian Norrington looked at the female pirate in surprise—he was certain she had not been there a moment ago. Drawing his sword, he tried to run her through, but she blocked him.

“You know,” she said conversationally as she struck and parried, “I really like Caspian. In fact, he’s one of my favorite characters in the whole Narnia series.”

Caspian was backing up, thrown off-guard by the crazy pirate’s topic of conversation and wondering what on earth a ‘Narnia’ was. “I also liked Norrington, the man you claim to be the brother of,” she told him, driving him backwards even faster.

Suddenly there was a click of metal by Caspian’s left ear. Feeling cold metal against his temple, he froze.

“Gonna say something?” asked a soft voice.

“Please don’t kill me,” he begged.

“Wrong answer,” the first pirate said, running him through.

“Nice one,” Lothy said, unthingying her pistol. She watched curiously as Caspian’s body faded—even more so, when everything stayed the way it was. “That’s strange,” Lothy added. “I thought things were supposed to change somehow. Did we forget someone?”

Rowyn looked at the words. “Kea. You want to kill her, or should I?”

“I’ll do it,” Lothy said. “She’s still across the room, so this shouldn’t take long.” She strode across the room to where Star’s friend still stood, her impossibly forest-green eyes wide as she noticed the dark-haired pirate.

“Hello, Kea.” The pirate took another step towards her, and Kea backed into the corner. Not too bright, Lothy thought with a grin. “I’m not really in the mood to talk to you, so I’ll make this quick.” She pulled out the pistol and fired; the ‘Suefriend fell immediately, shot cleanly in the heart.

Around them the surroundings twisted, then settled, finally back to the way they should be. Lothy squealed and began to snap pictures frantically.

Rolling her eyes, Rowyn opened the portal and pulled Lothy into it.

“Home sweet home,” Rowyn sighed, sitting down and letting the invisible cat out of her bag at last. Glancing over at the bookcase, she pulled out a well-worn copy of The Lord of the Rings and flipped to Shadows of the Past.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

[Lothy notes: This one was pretty awful. It was easy, thank goodness, so our first assignment went fairly well. Thanks to Miss Cam for letting us do this, Agent Jeanlily for beta-ing, encouraging, and being there, and Agent Twain for helping. Good hunting!]

[Rowyn notes: "Pretty awful" is an understatement, but it was a good first assignment because the charges were easy to spot. I'd also like to thank Miss Cam for giving us permission, Agent Jeanlily for introducing me to the PPC, along with what Lothy said, and Agent Twain for being willing to drop some hints for the newbies.]