Love Conquers All

[Agent Rowyn]

Disclaimer: We still don’t own Marina, nor do we understand why anyone would want to. She still belongs to Moulin-Rouge Pirate. This story, which is even worse than the first one, is here: www.fanfiction.net/s/1970523/1/. And Agent Jeanlily doesn’t belong to us either.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Rowyn looked up from her copy of Twelfth Night just long enough to pick up a nearby pillow and throw it at the console. Lothy sighed as she shoved her chair back and stood up. “I’ll go feed the minis,” she said.

“Guess I’ll see what we’re in for then,” Rowyn said, setting down her book. Lothy nodded and headed over to the fridge. She had just gotten out the egg carton when the scream of agony from her partner sent her running over to the console.

“What is it?” Lothy asked, noting Rowyn’s look of horror.

“This can’t be possible!” Rowyn exclaimed as if she hadn’t even heard Lothy. “I killed her already!”

“What?” Lothy leaned on the back of Rowyn’s chair and looked over her partner’s shoulder at the screen. Her jaw dropped. “Marina’s back?”

“Of all the bloody Sues that had to get resurrected...” Rowyn complained, reaching for her sword. “I didn’t even know they could get resurrected! I say this time we go after the author.”

Lothy sighed. “Can’t. It’s against regulations, unfortunately. Besides, that’s the OFU’s job.”

“Well, then we make this as quick and painful as possible,” Rowyn said. “We already charged her once. Though I guess I’m going to have to come up with a more creative way to kill her.”

“Wait a sec,” Lothy replied indignantly. “You already killed her. My turn.”

“Not a chance,” Rowyn argued. “I’m finishing her off.”

“No way,” Lothy retorted.

“Mine,” Rowyn said, then added before Lothy could reply, “Hey, I just thought of something... since we already killed her once, do you think she’ll recognize us?”

“Ummm.... I hadn’t thought of that,” Lothy admitted. Then she grinned. “But I’ve got an idea.”

One phone call and five minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Rowyn opened it and grinned. “Hey, Jeanlily,” she said.

“Hi!” Jeanlily said cheerfully. “What’s going on?”

“Well, we were about to leave for a mission, and we wanted to know if you wanted to come along. It’s Pirates,” Lothy explained.

Jeanlily’s face lit up in a wide smile. “Really?”

“But I do have to warn you, it’s a Jack!Sue,” Rowyn said. Jeanlily’s smile turned into a dangerous-looking scowl.

“And we sort of already killed her once,” Lothy added.

“So we need someone along that there’s no chance she’d recognize,” Rowyn finished.

Jeanlily walked over to the console, staring at the screen for a few moments. The other two agents watched as her face contorted into a look of rage. “She’s mine,” Jeanlily finally growled.

“No way!” Rowyn and Lothy protested at the same time, then looked at each other darkly. This was going to be a long mission.

~~~~~~~

As soon as the portal closed, Jeanlily let out a squeal. “I’m in Pirates!Verse!” she exclaimed joyfully. Then she looked around and added, “Um... where are we?”

Lothy looked down at the Words and sighed. “Jack and Marina’s living room,” she said, her face twisting into a scowl as soon as she said the ‘Sue’s name.

Rowyn winced as she glanced over her partner’s shoulder. “Not for long... flashback in five...four...three...” Their surroundings jolted painfully, and they found themselves in a pub in Tortuga, watching Will overhearing a plot by two nameless, faceless men to get revenge on Jack for unknown reasons. Then, just as quickly, they were jerked back to the living room to see the ‘Sue sitting 'heavily' on the sofa, which creaked in protest.

Jeanlily groaned, her head starting to pound from the sudden time jumps; but she managed to blurt out, “Kidnapped and taken to France? And who the heck is Wyatt? And why’s Anamaria fat? And why are they calling her Ana?”

“And they wouldn’t have a ‘living room,’ it would most likely be called a parlor, and that does not look like any piece of furniture they’d have in the eighteenth century,” Rowyn muttered as she scribbled in her notebook, motioning to the cushy-looking sofa disdainfully.

“And Will is not a pirate!” Lothy protested. “He’s a blacksmith that just happens to have pirate blood in him.” The three agents covered their ears as the ‘Sue screamed at Jack because he admitted he might have slept with one of the faceless men's wives before he met her. “And I will never understand how one can talk in all capital letters,” Lothy added once she was done.

"Chica, Jack Sparrow is a pirate... OF COURSE HE HAS SLEPT WITH OTHER WOMEN!" Jeanlily said, speaking to herself, but wishing she could scream at Marina instead.

“Ooh, goody. Explanation time... now we get to see what shouldn’t have happened because I already killed her,” Rowyn complained, every word dripping with sarcasm. The narration floated by, explaining that Jack and Marina had gone to Egypt, Anamaria was now married and nine months pregnant with some Marty-Sam’s kid, and so on. Jack proceeded to decide to go to Tortuga and see what was going on, kissed his “brats” goodbye, and...

“Augh! My eyes!” Jeanlily whimpered as Jack and Marina grabbed each other in a ”mind-blowing, beautiful, sucking-each-others-faces-off kiss.” "How is that beautiful?" she whimpered softly, downing four ibuprofen with a small glass of Bleeprum.

Rowyn rubbed at her temples, trying to get rid of the headache that was already forming. “Children wouldn’t say ‘get a room’ in the 1700s. And that was disgusting. Let’s skip ahead.”

“Agreed,” Lothy and Jeanlily quickly said.

The three agents stepped out of the portal just in time to see Marina slap Jack. Rowyn immediately winced as an author's note came booming across the horizon, and muttered something very uncomplimentary about authors who can't keep their notes outside of the story as she scribbled furiously. Jeanlily glared at the ‘Sue, then grabbed Rowyn and Lothy by the arms. “Come on, they’re going inside,” she said.

Lydia hung back, looking nervous and angry.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“He lied.” She pointed at Jack, and then hid behind my skirts.

Lothy grimaced and poked Rowyn as Jack pulled himself up and proclaimed "I don't know!" loud enough to be heard in Tortuga. The agents watched the awkward exchange between Jack and one of the children, then sighed in relief as someone pounded on the door, ending it.

"Wait a minute..." Lothy said, then made the mistake of looking at the Words again. "Elizabeth delivered her OWN BABY? Back then, ladies of Elizabeth's station didn't know how babies were made until they were engaged!"

Jeanlily was scribbling on her pad with such force that she tore it several times. "Must...kill..." she muttered.
Rowyn put a hand on her shoulder. "Down, girl. We need to wait for the opportune moment." Jeanlily sighed, and they followed the ‘Sue and Jack outside once more.

Lothy started laughing and Rowyn and Jeanlily both whirled. "Watch!" Lothy hissed, grinning hugely. An indistinct small whale with a fat face in a lady's dress punched Marina in the face.

The agents' cheers quickly turned to boos, however, as Marina began struggling to hit her back. Rowyn resumed wincing over the prolific authors' notes, and Jeanlily grumbled over Jack's sudden inability to speak proper English.

Lothy muttered something uncomplimentary as Elizabeth came out clutching a 'bundle' and swearing. "Oh yeah... that will set a great example for the kid..." Rowyn said, rolling her eyes, then glancing at the Words. "Jeanlily, you might want to cover your eyes for this one..." It was too late though. Jeanlily's agonized shout could be heard all the way down the alley as Jack picked Marina up and she suddenly transformed into a fairy-tale princess, falling asleep in his arms.

Lothy grimaced, holding her ears. "Rowyn, where's that bottle of Bleeprum?" Rowyn pulled a large flask out of her bag and tossed it over. “Thank you,” Lothy said gratefully, then took a long drink and sighed, capping it reluctantly.

"Can we skip?" Jeanlily pleaded. The ibuprofen and bleep mix had worn off more quickly than she'd hoped.
Rowyn snatched the bottle back and took a swig. "Why do I get the feeling we're going to need a lot more of this before this fic is over?"

"PLEASE?" Jeanlily begged as Jack and Marina began to snog--this time with Ana's baby in between them.

"Yeah, let's skip before I spork my eyes out," Rowyn agreed.

[Agent Rowyn]

Lothy tapped several buttons and opened a portal. The agents stepped through and landed in a sea of blood. "EEWWW!" Jeanlily shrieked as Marina passed out into it.

"Question--how can any number of humans bleed this much?" Lothy asked, stepping gingerly over to the driest corner.

Rowyn's mouth tightened into a thin line. "She's dead." Lothy and Jeanlily looked over her shoulder to glance at the Words.

Lothy's eyes widened. "Norrington's the one who did this? He would never act like this..." Rowyn nodded agreement, throwing out an arm to stop Jeanlily from strangling the 'Sue as Norrington pinned Marina against the wall and kissed her. Then Lothy and Jeanlily had to grab Rowyn's arms to restrain her from attempting to kill the author as Will ran in "in all his sexy glory."

The agents watched in horror as Marina appointed herself Captain of the Pearl in Jack’s absence, and Will conceded without any argument. Rowyn’s dark eyes were wide with fury. “CAPTAIN Marina?” she growled. “I think we have all we need for the charge list.”

Lothy was reading the words, her lips moving soundlessly. Suddenly she began to turn an alarming shade of red. Rowyn coughed and Lothy whirled. "Look at this Jack monologue! LOOK at it!!"

Rowyn grumbled, "I still can't believe they made that... that... thing the captain!"

"Look--let's skip to a couple stragetic places and then kill her, m'kay?" Lothy asked.

Jeanlily frowned. "How about I kill her now?"

"HQ's gonna want a bit more the second time around...usually a second 'Sue requires more paperwork." Lothy said. Jeanlily looked at her and she shrugged. "Or something. That's the memo I got."

"Besides, we need to make sure she'll actually stay dead this time," Rowyn muttered.

"Kill her very dead and leave her for the border ghosts.." Lothy murmured. Rowyn looked at her quizzically and she shrugged. "Quote."

Rowyn shrugged, then glared as Marina accused Will of "fighting like a girl." "That's it," she said. "We're skipping." She started punching buttons furiously, but not quickly enough to miss Marina beating Will at swordplay.

"Rowyn, don't--" Lothy started, but Rowyn dragged her through the portal before she could finish.

Jeanlily muttered something rude as they landed in the midst of a pub, right beside Marina, who was currently attempting to seduce a man who was apparently Barbossa.

"Excuse me," Lothy said, "but Barbossa did NOT have a horribly scarred face!"

"And isn't he dead?" Rowyn helpfully added.

"This is also a point," Lothy admitted, "but I've got that on the charge list already."

Rowyn ignored her, rummaging through her bag as they followed Marina and Barbossa onto the ship in search of her seasickness pills. Jeanlily looked at her curiously as she pulled them out. “For the ship?” she asked.

“No, for the fic,” Rowyn replied with a grimace as Barbossa tossed Marina into the brig with Jack. “If I have to watch one more make-out scene between Jack and that ‘Sue, I’m going to throw up.”

~~~~~~~

“I cannot believe the amount of clichés this author manages to force into one bloody chapter,” Lothy complained. Marina and Jack had managed to escape from the brig, only to leap overboard and swim to a distant island. After engaging in rather disgusting activities on the shore (which involved, for the agents, nearly a gallon of Bleep), they had promptly been captured.

Suddenly, the sound of a bowstring being plucked echoed, and Jack pulled me to the ground as it zoomed over our heads and embedded itself in the tree behind us. The men closed in around us, grabbing our arms and pulling us to our feet. They were a caramel color, as if they were from Asian descent, their black hair pulled back in braids and ponytails, and they wore naught but a loin cloth. They spoke in a different language before pulling us along with them.

“Okay-- the sound of a bowstring being plucked zoomed over their heads and embedded itself in a tree?” Jeanlily asked incredulously. "How does the sound of a bowstring imbed itself in a tree?"

“I don't think there even were Asians living in the Caribbean during this time period,” Rowyn complained, making several notes on her pad.

“Duck,” Lothy warned, “massive cliché headed this way.”

I was pushed into a dark cabin, the only light coming from a small fire in the corner. The man muttered something and motioned to the chair, so I guessed he meant for me to sit.
I began to take a seat when he slapped me hard across the face, roaring at me in another language.
“IF YOU’D SPEAK ENGLISH I WOULD UNDERSTAND YOU BETTER!” I screeched back.
Instead of smacking me for my tongue, the man chuckled deeply. “You do have quite a mouth on you, little one.” He said in accented English. I held my cheek, trying to stem the sting. “What’s your name?” he asked kindly, a shock after being slapped so hard by him.
“Marina Sparrow.” I answered.
The man’s eyes widened and he said “Forgive me for hitting you, milady.” before rushing from the cabin.
“Wait!” I called after him. “What’d I do?!”
I sat down at the table, waiting for him to return. It wasn’t long before he came rushing back, followed by a crowd of people. He was talking excitedly in his native tongue, gesturing wildly at me. Then, the crowd following him bowed down before me.
“What the bloody hell is going on?” I asked him.
Too excited to speak, he pushed an open book towards me. On the pages it read:
“Legends tell of a Queen, a resurrected Goddess who sold her immortality for the man she loved. It is foretold by the prophets that this Queen, by the name of Amidalyia Beauxters,’s descendent, will return to the village. She will be white of face, and very fair, her hair black as night but her face, pale as the moon. Her name will be a bird’s, and she will not cower in the face of danger.”
“What’s this have to do with me?” I asked him. He flipped the page over, and I gasped in surprise at what I saw.
It was a painting of a young woman.
It was a painting of...me?

Rowyn’s eyes narrowed dangerously. Without a word, she pulled out her charge list, scribbled fiercely, then chugged the entire remaining contents of her Bleeprum flask.

Jeanlily started breathing heavily, her grip on one of her knives tightening into a death grip. "This 'Sue... will die... slowly..."

[Agent Rowyn]

“How about slow-acting poison?” Jeanlily asked.

“Nah. Too slow,” Rowyn said, doodling idly in her notebook. The three agents had finally gotten completely fed up with the story, and decided to pass the time coming up with the most painful method of execution they could. “Then we’d still have to listen to her whine about her angsty life. Can’t we just tie her to a cannon and dump her in the ocean?”

“We don’t even know for sure if that worked for Bootstrap,” Lothy protested.

“But he was a cursed pirate. That’s different,” Rowyn argued.

“But she’s a ‘Sue that can obviously rise from the dead,” Lothy shot back.

Rowyn opened her mouth, then looked down. “Point. Okay, how about keelhauling?”

Jeanlily and Lothy looked at each other. “Actually, that could work,” Lothy said. “It’s canonical.”

“And since Jack’s been off the ship, there’s probably a lot of barnacles,” Jeanlily added, an almost feral grin on her face. Rowyn and Lothy slowly grinned.

“I call dibs on pushing her in,” Lothy said.

Jeanlily looked upset, until Rowyn said, “You can be in charge of capturing her. But I’m charging her. Do we have an agreement?”

“Sounds good to me,” Lothy said.

Jeanlily smiled. “Let’s go.”

“Go where, exactly?” Rowyn asked. “Currently....” she checked the Words “ ‘Jack’s very *friendly* person’ is eyeing Will.”

Lothy glanced along the ghostly Words until she came to what she was looking for. A devilish gleam lit up in her eyes and she began to grin. “Hand me that portal device, Rowyn...she’s going down.”

Jack and I kissed again, and then ran into the battle. I slashed at whatever moved towards me, killing many but once accidentally hitting Will in the arm. It was but a mere scratch, and we moved on.
After killing one of the last pirates, I found an arm wrapped around my throat. Barbossa held a knife to my throat as he backed away from Jack’s crew, all of which were still alive and hardly scratched.
“Let her go!” Jack demanded.
I heard his dry, wheezing laugh in my ear as a response. “Ye all stay back, or the little lass’ll die. No, wait, I won’t kill ‘er. I’ll take ‘er back te me ship, which’ll be far worse than death fer ‘er.”
“You aren’t going anywhere with me!” I hissed.
He leaned close to me and whispered “I can show ye the time o’ yer life. Well, the time o’ me life, of course!” He licked me cheek in what I guess what was supposed to be a seductive way, but it only made me gag.
“Tell me, Barbossa.” Jack called, trying to distract his attention away from me. “Who was the heartless coward who couldn’t face me so he had te sell hisself te the devil te bring ye back?”
“He’s a very old friend o’ yers, Jack.” Barbossa said. I saw a shadow flicker in the firelight, and looked towards it.
I gasped when I saw who it was.

“Hallo, Marina,” the dark-haired pirate said, grinning fiendishly. I screamed and Barbossa released me. That was one of the two pirates who had kidnapped me before! How could this be happening? I turned to run to Jack, but someone seized me and cold steel touched my neck.

“I wouldn’t move if I were you,” hissed an unfamiliar voice.

“Marina!” Jack called, and the knife at my neck dug in just a bit deeper. Another female pirate stepped out of the shadows, her red hair glinting in the firelight, and quickly restrained him. I quickly recognized her as the second pirate, the one who had been with the dark-haired pirate before. Suddenly, I realized that I had no idea who was holding me back. I twisted my head around, still feeling the cold steel against my neck, and saw a third female pirate, this one another red-head. I could see something in her eyes that wasn't in the eyes of the other two-- an almost cat-like glint. She returned the glance and grinned evilly.

“Easy, Jeanlily,” the first red-haired pirate called out. “We do have to charge her first. Regulations and all that.”

“I know, I know,” Jeanlily sighed. “’Tis a pity, though.” Then she looked at Jack and the grin disappeared. Shaking her head, she said, "I'm sorry this always has to happen to you, Captain."

Jack looked at her in confusion, then looked at me
where I still stood, trapped with knife to my throat.
“He won’t remember a thing, I promise!” Lothy called to Jeanlily, opening a portal. Rowyn dragged the ‘Sue through and Jeanlily followed with a last look at Jack.

They landed on the Pearl, which was totally abandoned. Rowyn quickly tied Marina up, pulled her pad out of her pocket, and cleared her throat.
“Marina Sparrow--”

“Captain,” the ‘Sue said. “Captain Marina Sparrow.” Jeanlily kicked her—hard-- and Rowyn continued reading.

“You are charged with resurrecting yourself, destroying and/or replacing the characters of Jack Sparrow, Commodore Norrington, Barbossa, Anamaria, Elizabeth and Will Turner, with having a total disregard for canon, with causing Norrington to engage in witchcraft, with reviving canonically dead characters, with making yourself into a tribal goddess....” Twenty minutes later, Rowyn finished, “And with, above all, being a Mary-Sue. Do you have any last words?”

“I’m going to come back!” Marina shouted defiantly. “Jack will save me! You can’t-"

Jeanlily punched her out, a joyful grin on her face. "Finally, I can shut her up!"

"So, what did we decide about how to kill her?" Rowyn asked. "Keelhauling?"

"Yeah... or I thought we could send her to Count Rugen and let him hook her up to the Machine..." Jeanlily said. "That'd be less directly sadistic."

"Doesn't she deserve direct sadism?" Lothy asked.

"... You have a point," Jeanlily said. “Now all we have to do is find some rope…”

~~~~~~~

When Marina woke up, she was by herself, hanging by her from a rope right next to the Pearl's keel. One of the pirates poked her head over the railing and saw her. "Loth, the 'Sue's awake again."

"Okay!"The new red-headed pirate grinned at Marina, and the grin still reminded her of a cat about to strike. The rope holding Marina out of the water jerked and she felt herself being lowered.

"You mess with Jack Sparrow, we mess with you, chica," Jeanlily said just before Marina's head went under. Then she turned to Lothy and Rowyn. “Now what?”

“Full sails! We need to get this crate moving!” Rowyn exclaimed, gesturing wildly.

Lothy and Jeanlily just looked at each other and shook their heads. “I think the sea air must have finally gotten to her,” Jeanlily said.

“Rowyn, just how much Bleeprum did you have?” Lothy asked, a little suspiciously. Rowyn retorted by throwing a nearby coil of rope at her partner, and Lothy grinned wickedly as the three of them began unfurling sails.

~~~~~~~

The agents sat on the Pearl for a while, playing Blackjack with a deck of cards Jeanlily had rustled up.

"Think she's dead yet?" Jeanlily asked after winning another round as dealer.

"Maybe. And I get to deal this time," Lothy said.

"We should probably check," Rowyn said, ignoring her own advice and adding up the cards she had.

"Probably. Hit me, Lothy."

Lothy obliged by thwacking Jeanlily on the shoulder.
"Hey! I wanted cards, not a bruise!"

"Jeanlily! I just realised that we've got to kill off Anamaria's Marty-Sam, too!"

"I was just about to start my winning streak!" Rowyn complained. She muttered several Rohirric curses aimed at the author of this story and the story's Original Characters, and at the author's parents--whom she claimed were Morgoth and Ungoliant-- and at anything related to the author.

About halfway through her tirade, Jeanlily stood up. “I guess I’ll go check,” she said, pulling the rope back up. The ‘Sue hung limply from the end of it, with her eyes closed and several new scrapes and cuts from the barnacles that had accumulated on the hull of the Pearl in Jack’s absence. Jeanlily tentatively took her sheathed sword and prodded Marina a few times; nothing happened. “I think we’re done,” she called back to the other two agents.

“Let me check,” Rowyn said, poking at the ‘Sue with her foot after they had lowered her to the deck. Still no movement.

“She looks a little blue,” Lothy pointed out.

“Maybe we should dump her back in just to make sure?” Rowyn asked. “I don’t want to take any chances on her coming back again.”

“Fair enough,” Jeanlily said, and unceremoniously shoved Marina back into the water.

Two hands later, they pulled her out again. “Yeah, she’s definitely dead,” Lothy decided. “Now we just need to figure out what to do with the body.”

“We could send it into the crushing oblivion of Davy Jones’ locker,” Jeanlily suggested.

“Or we could hang her by the neck near the entrance of Port Royal with a sign saying ‘Sues, ye be warned,’” Rowyn said with a grin.

“Probably not the most historically accurate approach, unfortunately,” Lothy said, smiling. “Though that might make our job easier…”

“Wouldn’t count on it. Ok, let’s dump her,” Rowyn said. After a brief discussion over whether they should do it on three, or count to three and then push her in, the ‘Sue was sinking quickly into the ocean, thanks to Jeanlily’s last-minute request that they tie a heavy object to her feet.

“Glad that’s over with,” she said, then looked at Rowyn and Lothy. “Now, who gets the Sam?”

Rowyn and Lothy looked at each other for a moment. Finally, Rowyn said, “Tell you what. You take out the ‘Sam, and I’ll take the next ‘Sue we get assigned. Deal?”

“Deal,” Lothy replied. “Let’s go.”

~~~~~~~

[Agent Rowyn]

It didn’t take too long to find Wyatt, the Marty-Sam, as he and Anamaria had basically had no role in the story. They were still in the house in Port Royal that Jack and Marina had occupied. Lothy stormed in through the door with Rowyn and Jeanlily not far behind, her pistol ready. Anamaria looked up and began to mouth a protest as Lothy unceremoniously shot her husband/fiancé/whatever he was at the moment through the heart, and he slumped to the ground. “Don’t worry,” Lothy said to the still-speechless ‘AnaMaria’. “This will all be over soon, and you’ll be back on the Pearl where you belong.” She walked out, and Rowyn and Jeanlily watched as the ‘Sam’s body disappeared, along with the screaming infant that the female pirate held. A slight shift in the surroundings indicated that things were now back to normal, and the two remaining agents grinned as they walked out just as Anamaria blurted out, “What the bloody…”

Back on the street, Jeanlily looked around eagerly. “So now what?” she asked.

“We’re done. We go back,” Rowyn stated matter-of-factly.

“But…” Jeanlily protested.

“Hey, it is her first time in Pirates!Verse,” Lothy agreed. “C’mon, I could show you where Will’s blacksmith shop is, and the Commodore’s headquarters, and…” She and Jeanlily started off.

“Lothy!” Rowyn groaned, before running after them. “Not again… just promise you’ll keep the bloody camera in the bag this time?” Lothy just grinned innocently in response.

---

[Lothy's A/N: I can't believe she came back! The story was bad enough the first time around! Oh well, at least I got the 'Sam, right? And I got to beat Rowyn at Blackjack...*devil*]

[Rowyn’s A/N: Of all the bloody ‘Sues that had to come back… and would you believe the story was even worse this time?? And don’t believe a word Lothy says. That winning streak is still coming… I can feel it. And a special thanks to Jeanlily for helping us out on this one.]

[Jeanlily's A/N: PIRATES!!!!!!! [bounces around a bunch] I got to see Jack and Port Royal and Will and Anamaria! [beams happily] Not to mention, that I got to help kill that 'Sue who messed with Jack and Anamaria and Will and Norrington... [growls] But ANYWAY! She's dead. Rowyn and Lothy were kind enough to bring me along, so I thank them. [bows to them] And hopefully, I'll be able to convince them to bring me along for some other missions, since my partner and I have almost no overlapping 'verses, save for LOTR, and I'm tired of her constantly taking away my chocolate because it's not canonical. Anyway, yeah, I'm done. I think.]