Post by Agents Lothy and Rowyn on Jan 28, 2006 18:10:38 GMT -5
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!
Rowyn went over to the console and Lothy threw down her bag with a look of disgust. Raising a hand, she began to declaim.
“To PPC or not to PPC, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler of mind to suffer the grammar mistakes of outrageous Sues, or to take arms against a sea of Sue-ish lustfics and by opposing, end them. To quit, to sleep - no more - and by a sleep to say we end the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. To quit, to sleep - to sleep – and perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub, for that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause. There’s the respect that makes calamity of so long like. For who would bear the whips and scorns of Sues, th' authors’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely, the pangs of ruined canon, the Evil!Parents, the insolence of office, and the spurns that patient merit of th’ unworthy takes, when he himself might his quietus make, with a bare bodkin? - Soft you now, the buzzer sounds! - Console, in thy orisons, be all my fics remembered.”
Rowyn snorted and looked back. Lothy dropped her headphones onto the armchair and went to her own console to read. After only a moment her eyes narrowed and she burst out into French. Rowyn only caught the last sentence, which sounded something like: “J'appellerai en bas de Tash et la lui alimenterai, que SUE!”
Rowyn blinked. “I think I‘m glad I don’t speak French.”
“C’mon, we’re leaving,” Lothy said disgustedly. Grabbing her bag, she set the controls and opened a portal. “Let’s go!” she said impatiently.
Rowyn came over, still trying to mentally sort through Lothy's string of French insults as she picked up her bag. "Ok, I heard 'Trumpkin' and 'Tash'... Narnia this time?" Lothy nodded sullenly. "Does the Sue go after Peter?" This time, Lothy just glared in response. Rowyn nodded, but decided after her reaction to the last 'Sue, she couldn't really say anything. The urge to down an entire bottle of Bleeprin was still too strong. So instead, she wordlessly followed Lothy through the portal, wondering if perhaps she should have changed some answers on her entrance tests so she wouldn’t have to keep three different fandoms straight.
They emerged, disguised as Narnian nobles, in the throne room of Cair Paravel just in time to hear the High Queen ‘Sue, Katerina, discussing fish and tributes with a bunch of indistinct advisors. Then Kat, as she seemed to prefer being called, began convulsing and the advisors went completely stiff.
“Oh, yes, Kat. Now there’s a queenly-sounding name,” Rowyn snickered.
Lothy’s teeth gritted audibly as Aslan appeared. Rowyn put a calming hand on her arm as Aslan explained that Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy had returned to their own world, and that in the process, somehow Kat had also become younger. So now, of course, she was a beautiful young girl of about fifteen…
“…with laugh lines?” Lothy asked.
“Most fifteen-year-olds I’ve known would go into a panic at the mere thought of wrinkles,” Rowyn added.
“Then, I shall follow them!” she exclaimed, jumping to her feet. “I shall find the door or path my kin took and I shall join them in England!”
With that, Kat ran out of the hall. She fled to her quarters where she threw on her oldest riding clothes. Her golden crown, passed down from queen to queen since Queen Helen, was locked in its hidden case, and the key was hidden as well. She packed a few small jewels to pay her way, then went down to the stables. All the stable hands were asleep and Aslan stood in the main aisle.
“I ask for your blessing, my lord,” she said, bowing.
“Oh, now she asks his blessing,” Lothy muttered.
“He gives it to her?” Rowyn said in horror. “She’s just going to go gallivanting off, leaving Narnia leaderless-not that she’s much of a leader-and go to England?”
The agents followed reluctantly as the Sue saddled the horse ‘with her own hands’ - “I didn’t know you could make a saddle out of ’Sue hands,” Rowyn muttered, looking interested-and rode off.
“She’s going to be riding for two days, let’s portal,” Lothy said, opening the portal as she spoke.
They stepped out of the portal directly outside of Tumnus’ cave. Lothy was scribbling furiously on a yellow legal pad as they spoke. Rowyn tugged on her arm.
“C’mon, she’s trying to go back to England!”
Lothy grimaced and followed as the ’Sue walked with Tumnus to the lamppost.
“Y’know, it’s too bad this is going to be ‘Sue-ified; I always wanted to go to England.” Rowyn said, pushing through the branches until her hands felt soft fur coats. “Oh, this is so cool!” she added with a slight squeal.
“Focus, Rowyn,” Lothy said crossly. Her partner seemed to be acting rather…strange… today.
“Oh, lighten up, Lothy,” Rowyn replied with a laugh. She seemed surprisingly cheerful for being on assignment. Must be the Bleeprin, Lothy thought as Kat called out to the Pevensies from inside the wardrobe. The door opened, and Edmund looked in.
“Blimey! Peter, it’s Kat!” he yelled at the top of his lungs.
Peter instantly appeared as well, his face deathly pale.
“Katerina?” he breathed, stepping into the room.
“Of course they’d recognize her right away, even though the chances of them knowing her as a teenager are slim to none,” Lothy grumbled.
“Must be the laugh lines,” Rowyn said with a wicked grin. Lothy snickered.
Then a wind picked up out of nowhere, and Lothy and Rowyn pressed themselves against the sides of the wardrobe as it began to suck the ‘Sue back into Narnia, in spite of the best efforts of Peter, Susan, Lucy and Edmund. After she was pulled out of their grip, she flew past them and out of sight.
Rowyn pulled out a flashlight and looked at the words. “Well, she’s back in Narnia… at least the rules about going back means we can avoid the 2000-year time shift. Thank you, C.S. Lewis,” she said with a sigh of relief.
“C’mon, let’s go!” Lothy cried, impatient again. “I can still see Narnia from here,” she added, pushing the coats aside as she ran off. Rowyn shoved the flashlight in her bag and ran after her. She arrived, gasping for air, just in time to see a dark, but very indistinct, shadow looming over the ‘Sue.
“Ok,” she said breathlessly, “we’re portaling this time. Set the disguises to Telmarine.”
“Right. If we hurry, maybe we can at least get in on the torture,” Lothy answered, opening the portal.
When they emerged, dressed as Telmarine guards, a captor was demanding that Kat wait on the Tisroc while he took a bath.
“Why does he keep talking in parentheses whenever he says ‘may he live forever?’” Lothy looked irritated as she scribbled in her notebook.
“How can he make the parentheses audible?” Rowyn asked, impressed.
“Well, you may tell the Tisroc that I am disinclined to acqueiest to his request.”
“This isn’t bloody PotC!” Rowyn growled, suddenly angry again.
Lothy gave her a weird look. “Rowyn, just how much Bleeprin did you take before we left?”
Rowyn, now calm again, shrugged as she watched the guard beat Kat up and drag her around by her golden braid before tossing her down the stairs and breaking her wrist. “Two. Why? Isn’t that how most of these things work?”
Lothy pulled a pill bottle out of her partner’s bag and looked at the back. “Warning: do not take more than one pill every eight hours. Higher doses may cause symptoms such as sudden mood swings, hallucinations, and memory loss. In extreme cases, the Agent can begin to exhibit Sue-like behavior,” she read off softly. “Oh, great. You overdosed, Rowyn.”
“What?” Rowyn snatched the bottle, then her face went pale as she read. “Oh, crud,” she muttered. “I feel fine though.” Lothy gave her a skeptical look. “Really, I do. Come on, we have to get back to work.”
“By the lion, I just HAD to open my mouth again, didn’t I?” she thought. “Just HAD to be defiant.”
“But that’s what you do,” a small voice in her head said. “You’re a queen and queens do not bow or serve dictators.”
“Shut it,” she thought back crossly. “I haven’t been a queen for almost 2000 years.”
“Once a queen in Narnia...” the voice began.
“Always a queen in Narnia,” she finished without realizing. “Does it matter though? My country has fallen to the Telemarians, my subjects are repressed, and I myself am a slave in my enemy’s fortress.”
“Telemarians?!?” Rowyn exclaimed in disgust that quickly turned to interest. “Hey, what’s that?”
“What?” Lothy looked up from the ‘Sue’s mental argument. “I don’t see anything. Maybe you’d better lie down or something, Rowyn,” she added, concerned about her partner’s mental state.
“No, really! It’s right over there!” She ran across the hall to an open cell, and emerged triumphantly moments later with a small dragon cradled in her arms. “It’s a mini,” she said with a grin. “Cute, isn’t he?”
“What in Aslan’s name are we supposed to do with that?” Lothy asked.
“I’m not sure…hold him for a minute, would you?” Rowyn handed the mini-dragon over to a startled Lothy and pulled out a thick book, flipping through it. “Ah! Here we go! ‘In the event that a mini is spawned, the Agent(s) will bring the mini back to base, then notify the administrators of the appropriate Fanfiction University.’ So it looks like Telemarian is coming with us.”
“So we just carry him around then?” Lothy asked incredulously.
“I think he’ll fit in my bag. I hope he doesn’t set my books on fire though. I get enough singed pages from Faramin.”
Lothy reached out tentatively and stroked Telmarian’s crest. He stretched his neck and made a low growling sound. Lothy grinned. "He’s cute."
"My lady?" a man’s voice whispered through the small, barred window. "My lady, High Queen?"
Lothy ducked around a nearby corner to listen, while Rowyn stayed out in the hall in plain view. Lothy groaned and pulled her out of sight. “She’ll see you, Rowyn!”
“Oh… sorry,” Rowyn mumbled.
"Who goes there?" she asked, standing and walking over to the door.
"Peridan, ma’am," the man replied, his voice betraying his low bow. "My many greats grandfather, for whom I named, was one of your majesty’s advisors."
"He’s bowing to a wall?" Rowyn snorted, taking care not to notice that Lothy’s hands were curling into fists and her knuckles were whitening.
"She dares!" Lothy hissed. In Rowyn’s arms, Telmarian growled, and a small spout of flame came from his throat and licked at the wall. “And he just happens to know that she’s the same queen who reigned two millennia ago. How convenient,” Lothy snorted. “Stupid plotholes.”
Rowyn snickered. “He’s an ambassador to Calamari? I wasn’t aware that squid were in need of diplomats.”
Beside her, Lothy took ten deep breaths and began to chant. "Must charge first. Must charge first."
Rowyn grimaced and held Telemarian a little tighter. "Uh-oh... shift coming up..."
Lothy winced as the world spun around them and did not resolve. "Oookay...no description," Rowyn said, blinking as she tried to see something in the dull grey fog around them. After a moment, they saw a shadowy shape that looked somewhat like a man bowing on the floor before another shadowy figure, saying that they needed to be rid of the 'Sue.
Lothy began to reach for her bow. "I'll gladly rid you of her presence," she muttered. Rowyn put a restraining hand on her arm.
"Please?" Lothy said, her eyes following the captain as he went to fetch the 'Sue.
"We have to charge her first," Rowyn said calmly.
"So let's!" Lothy cried.
"We don't have enough yet," Rowyn said patiently, shifting the growling Telemarian to her other arm and tightening her grip on Lothy.
"This isn't enough?" Lothy demanded indignantly, gesturing to their surroundings with her bow.
"HQ has to be satisfied, and they might not know the fandom as well," Rowyn said. "But I'll put it on the list." Rowyn then groaned as she realized what the Tisroc had said. "You think you were drunk, because you wanted to keep her prisoner, and now you want to let her go?" She began scribbling furiously...quite a difficult feat, since Telemarian was now perched somewhat awkwardly on her shoulder.
Beside her, Lothy grinned evilly as the captain dragged the 'Sue into the room, which resolved a tiny bit more.
The Tisroc blinked as the slave appeared. Though she was incredibly thin, dirty, and her wrist was swollen, she carried herself as a queen. Her eyes sparkled with rebelliousness, her shoulders were set, and her head remained unbowed. When the captain, who was again on the floor, tugged her to try and get her to bow, she remained upright. Furious, the man hit the back of her legs, right on the knee. Instantly, she hit the floor in a heap.
“Katerina, I have found you a surly and disobedient slave,” the Tisroc said, slightly un-nerved by her outward calm. “Therefore, I shall give you to the Narnian ambassador for a great poet once said, ‘It is in giving to our enemies that they become our friends.’”
As he made this speech, Kat fought to hide her smile.
“The first thing I’m going to do when I get home is give all our poets a raise,” she promised silently.
“Wow, the government increasing funding for the arts? Truly the mark of a fantasy story,” Rowyn said.
Lothy glanced at the words, then grinned. “Ok, we need new disguises. And I know just what to use.”
Rowyn stroked Telemarian, suspecting that the poor mini was unnerved by the strange circumstances he was in. She heard a beep, and then the semi-familiar fizz up her spine that meant the disguise was in place. She looked down at herself and screamed in delight. Rowyn the Agent was now Rowyn the centaur.
Telemarian was almost dropped as Rowyn unsuccessfully tried to bounce around in her new form. "Way cool!" she said, grinning at Lothy and experimentally twitching her auburn-colored tail.
Lothy took a few steps, trying to get used to having four legs instead of only two, then deliberately strung her bow. "Ok, it looks like we're in the ruins of Cair Paravel, so the 'Sue...." she cut off with a cry of outrage as she looked at the words again. "Peter Pensive???"
“Ooh, boy…” Rowyn said. “Looks like you’ve got company, Telemarian.”
"That's it," Lothy said through gritted teeth. "That is the VERY LAST straw!" Pulling a black-feathered arrow from her quiver, she laid it to the string. "That 'Sue is dead the instant she appears."
"We have to charge her, but you can kill her as soon as we're done," Rowyn said comfortingly.
Lothy muttered something under her breath and grudgingly subsided, only to swear loudly a moment later.
"What?" Rowyn asked, startled.
"Your mini burnt me!" Lothy complained.
"Did not, he's been right here the whole time!" Rowyn retorted, motioning to where Telemarian was precariously perched on her back.
Looking down, Lothy saw a tiny mini huddled between her forelegs. Carefully kneeling, she picked it up. "Awww...." she said, cradling it. "You must be Pensive. Isn't he cuuuuute?"
Rowyn grinned. "I hope that OFUN can find some good homes for these two. They've made this assignment a lot more bearable." She frowned as Lothy's hands clenched around her bow once more, and looked over to where the 'Sueified Peter was sitting at a conveniently-placed dressing table among the ruins.
Glancing at the words, she quickly suggested that Lothy feed the newborn mini some bacon. Rowyn sighed with relief as her fellow agent turned away just before Peter began to read a letter.
“My dearest Peter,” it read, he recognized Kat’s flowing script. “How are you? I do hope you are well. Have you caught the White Stag yet? It is very lonely here without you, Susan, Edmund, or Lucy. Come home soon. I have a surprise for you! I should wait till you get home but I cannot. Peter, I, wait. Are you sitting down? Take a moment to take a seat. I know you probably don’t wish to, having been in the saddle all day but think of how much Edmund will laugh if your legs give out! Are you sitting yet?” Peter sat on the worn stool that still sat in front of the table. “Good. All right, here goes. Peter, I’m with child!” He was now VERY glad he had sat down. "Is not it fabulous? I told you not to worry, that we would have an heir and in a few months we shall! I miss you so much, my darling, and I wish you had been with me when the doctor told me. Everything is fine here and yes I am getting enough rest and so on. I-."
Rowyn thought Lothy's eyes were going to pop out of her head, and put a hand on her arm. "Calm down, Lothy. We still have to, like, charge her."
Lothy just stared at Rowyn incredulously. "Why are you talking like that?"
"Like what?" Rowyn asked blankly.
"Like one of those teenagers that write these bloody self-insertion 'Sues and screw up the canon!" Lothy groaned. Her eyes narrowed. "Rowyn...did you take Bleeprin?"
"...Yeah..."
"How many?" Lothy demanded.
"Two...onsh every four hoursh..." Rowyn said, looking slightly dazed.
"That's IT!" Lothy snapped. "You're sleeping this off the second we get back if I have to knock you over the head to make you!"
"Okie....whatever..." Rowyn grinned at her.
"I've had it," Lothy announced to Pensive. "I am going to create a NEW Bleep. Something you can't screw up with."
"I didn't mean to..." Rowyn suddenly looked upset.
Pensive looked over at Rowyn and back at Lothy. He whined slightly. Lothy sighed.
"I... I just lost track of the time. It's, like, really hard to keep track of it here, you know." Rowyn winced as she realized what she had just said, and was about to go off on a self-deprecating tirade when the ‘Sue appeared.
Lothy tensed. "Charge list," she snapped, raising her bow.
"Er....yeah..." Rowyn said, fumbling. Clearing her throat, she started to read.
Katerina, sitting on the back of a talking horse who was able to quote Pirates of the Caribbean quite prolifically, looked up in surprise as she rode into the clearing to find her way to Cair Paravel blocked by two female centaurs. The first, with a creamy buckskin body and a murderous look in her dark eyes, held a drawn bow with the arrow aimed directly at her heart, while the second, her chestnut body almost matching her auburn hair, had a list in her hand and a slightly dazed look on her face.
The second centaur cleared her throat slightly and announced, “Katerina, you are hereby charged with: being a Mary-Sue, creating non-existent positions of royalty in the Narnian government, improbably defying the laws of nature and the aging/healing processes, quoting an entirely different fandom repeatedly, creating two mini-dragons…” She cut off and looked around as a small, scaly creature ran past. “Make that three. Lothy, any idea where that one came from?”
“Alsan,” Lothy muttered through gritted teeth. “Hurry up, would you?”
“Right. Sorry.” Rowyn gave her an apologetic look, then took a deep breath and quickly said, “Creating Incompetent!Aslan, Mopey!Peter, and diplomats to seafood, gratuitous use of magic spells to allow your letter to be preserved, creating an improbably wishy-washy Tisroc, and with generally being annoying."
Lothy didn't bother to ask for last words, nor did she deign to notice the 'Sueified Peter, who was racing down the stairs to try and stop her. She simply shot the 'Sue. Rowyn watched, satisfied, as Peter slowed down, then shook his head as if trying to clear it. He looked around, then spotted his siblings and Trumpkin, and went off to continue their quest to aid Caspian.
“Nice shot,” she said, picking up Alsan and depositing him on her back next to Telemarian.
Lothy looked down at the fallen ‘Sue. “Much better,” she muttered. “So we need to find the Squid Ambassador now, right?” She paused, glaring at Rowyn, who was looking up at the sky dazedly. “Rowyn!”
“Huh? Oh, sorry.” Rowyn looked down at the words. “No more mention of him. He just disappears.”
“It’s just as well. You’d probably end up slicing your own leg off at this point.” Lothy sighed and opened the portal. “C’mon, let’s get you back.”
Rowyn fell asleep almost the instant they got back into their rooms. Lothy, however, went down into the Ultra Secret Lab (cue dramatic music) to experiment.
"EUREKA!"
Rowyn groaned and sat up as Lothy came running into her room waving a beaker of clearish liquid.
"Whassat?" she asked, blinking.
"Bleepuvor!" Lothy said triumphantly. Rowyn blinked again.
"Bleepuvor?" she repeated.
"Yep. It’s Bleep, only in miruvor form. The only side effect if you should chance to overdose, which would be difficult in any case-" she pointed to the large label that said ‘ONE SIP EACH HOUR AS NEEDED’ "-is that you get a ten-second vision of Elrond telling you to read labels next time."
For the third time, Rowyn blinked. "And you created this how?"
Lothy shrugged. "Turns out Pensive, Alsan, and Telemarian are pretty smart."
Rowyn groaned. "I’m going back to bed. Good night."
Rowyn went over to the console and Lothy threw down her bag with a look of disgust. Raising a hand, she began to declaim.
“To PPC or not to PPC, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler of mind to suffer the grammar mistakes of outrageous Sues, or to take arms against a sea of Sue-ish lustfics and by opposing, end them. To quit, to sleep - no more - and by a sleep to say we end the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. To quit, to sleep - to sleep – and perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub, for that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause. There’s the respect that makes calamity of so long like. For who would bear the whips and scorns of Sues, th' authors’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely, the pangs of ruined canon, the Evil!Parents, the insolence of office, and the spurns that patient merit of th’ unworthy takes, when he himself might his quietus make, with a bare bodkin? - Soft you now, the buzzer sounds! - Console, in thy orisons, be all my fics remembered.”
Rowyn snorted and looked back. Lothy dropped her headphones onto the armchair and went to her own console to read. After only a moment her eyes narrowed and she burst out into French. Rowyn only caught the last sentence, which sounded something like: “J'appellerai en bas de Tash et la lui alimenterai, que SUE!”
Rowyn blinked. “I think I‘m glad I don’t speak French.”
“C’mon, we’re leaving,” Lothy said disgustedly. Grabbing her bag, she set the controls and opened a portal. “Let’s go!” she said impatiently.
Rowyn came over, still trying to mentally sort through Lothy's string of French insults as she picked up her bag. "Ok, I heard 'Trumpkin' and 'Tash'... Narnia this time?" Lothy nodded sullenly. "Does the Sue go after Peter?" This time, Lothy just glared in response. Rowyn nodded, but decided after her reaction to the last 'Sue, she couldn't really say anything. The urge to down an entire bottle of Bleeprin was still too strong. So instead, she wordlessly followed Lothy through the portal, wondering if perhaps she should have changed some answers on her entrance tests so she wouldn’t have to keep three different fandoms straight.
They emerged, disguised as Narnian nobles, in the throne room of Cair Paravel just in time to hear the High Queen ‘Sue, Katerina, discussing fish and tributes with a bunch of indistinct advisors. Then Kat, as she seemed to prefer being called, began convulsing and the advisors went completely stiff.
“Oh, yes, Kat. Now there’s a queenly-sounding name,” Rowyn snickered.
Lothy’s teeth gritted audibly as Aslan appeared. Rowyn put a calming hand on her arm as Aslan explained that Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy had returned to their own world, and that in the process, somehow Kat had also become younger. So now, of course, she was a beautiful young girl of about fifteen…
“…with laugh lines?” Lothy asked.
“Most fifteen-year-olds I’ve known would go into a panic at the mere thought of wrinkles,” Rowyn added.
“Then, I shall follow them!” she exclaimed, jumping to her feet. “I shall find the door or path my kin took and I shall join them in England!”
With that, Kat ran out of the hall. She fled to her quarters where she threw on her oldest riding clothes. Her golden crown, passed down from queen to queen since Queen Helen, was locked in its hidden case, and the key was hidden as well. She packed a few small jewels to pay her way, then went down to the stables. All the stable hands were asleep and Aslan stood in the main aisle.
“I ask for your blessing, my lord,” she said, bowing.
“Oh, now she asks his blessing,” Lothy muttered.
“He gives it to her?” Rowyn said in horror. “She’s just going to go gallivanting off, leaving Narnia leaderless-not that she’s much of a leader-and go to England?”
The agents followed reluctantly as the Sue saddled the horse ‘with her own hands’ - “I didn’t know you could make a saddle out of ’Sue hands,” Rowyn muttered, looking interested-and rode off.
“She’s going to be riding for two days, let’s portal,” Lothy said, opening the portal as she spoke.
They stepped out of the portal directly outside of Tumnus’ cave. Lothy was scribbling furiously on a yellow legal pad as they spoke. Rowyn tugged on her arm.
“C’mon, she’s trying to go back to England!”
Lothy grimaced and followed as the ’Sue walked with Tumnus to the lamppost.
“Y’know, it’s too bad this is going to be ‘Sue-ified; I always wanted to go to England.” Rowyn said, pushing through the branches until her hands felt soft fur coats. “Oh, this is so cool!” she added with a slight squeal.
“Focus, Rowyn,” Lothy said crossly. Her partner seemed to be acting rather…strange… today.
“Oh, lighten up, Lothy,” Rowyn replied with a laugh. She seemed surprisingly cheerful for being on assignment. Must be the Bleeprin, Lothy thought as Kat called out to the Pevensies from inside the wardrobe. The door opened, and Edmund looked in.
“Blimey! Peter, it’s Kat!” he yelled at the top of his lungs.
Peter instantly appeared as well, his face deathly pale.
“Katerina?” he breathed, stepping into the room.
“Of course they’d recognize her right away, even though the chances of them knowing her as a teenager are slim to none,” Lothy grumbled.
“Must be the laugh lines,” Rowyn said with a wicked grin. Lothy snickered.
Then a wind picked up out of nowhere, and Lothy and Rowyn pressed themselves against the sides of the wardrobe as it began to suck the ‘Sue back into Narnia, in spite of the best efforts of Peter, Susan, Lucy and Edmund. After she was pulled out of their grip, she flew past them and out of sight.
Rowyn pulled out a flashlight and looked at the words. “Well, she’s back in Narnia… at least the rules about going back means we can avoid the 2000-year time shift. Thank you, C.S. Lewis,” she said with a sigh of relief.
“C’mon, let’s go!” Lothy cried, impatient again. “I can still see Narnia from here,” she added, pushing the coats aside as she ran off. Rowyn shoved the flashlight in her bag and ran after her. She arrived, gasping for air, just in time to see a dark, but very indistinct, shadow looming over the ‘Sue.
“Ok,” she said breathlessly, “we’re portaling this time. Set the disguises to Telmarine.”
“Right. If we hurry, maybe we can at least get in on the torture,” Lothy answered, opening the portal.
When they emerged, dressed as Telmarine guards, a captor was demanding that Kat wait on the Tisroc while he took a bath.
“Why does he keep talking in parentheses whenever he says ‘may he live forever?’” Lothy looked irritated as she scribbled in her notebook.
“How can he make the parentheses audible?” Rowyn asked, impressed.
“Well, you may tell the Tisroc that I am disinclined to acqueiest to his request.”
“This isn’t bloody PotC!” Rowyn growled, suddenly angry again.
Lothy gave her a weird look. “Rowyn, just how much Bleeprin did you take before we left?”
Rowyn, now calm again, shrugged as she watched the guard beat Kat up and drag her around by her golden braid before tossing her down the stairs and breaking her wrist. “Two. Why? Isn’t that how most of these things work?”
Lothy pulled a pill bottle out of her partner’s bag and looked at the back. “Warning: do not take more than one pill every eight hours. Higher doses may cause symptoms such as sudden mood swings, hallucinations, and memory loss. In extreme cases, the Agent can begin to exhibit Sue-like behavior,” she read off softly. “Oh, great. You overdosed, Rowyn.”
“What?” Rowyn snatched the bottle, then her face went pale as she read. “Oh, crud,” she muttered. “I feel fine though.” Lothy gave her a skeptical look. “Really, I do. Come on, we have to get back to work.”
“By the lion, I just HAD to open my mouth again, didn’t I?” she thought. “Just HAD to be defiant.”
“But that’s what you do,” a small voice in her head said. “You’re a queen and queens do not bow or serve dictators.”
“Shut it,” she thought back crossly. “I haven’t been a queen for almost 2000 years.”
“Once a queen in Narnia...” the voice began.
“Always a queen in Narnia,” she finished without realizing. “Does it matter though? My country has fallen to the Telemarians, my subjects are repressed, and I myself am a slave in my enemy’s fortress.”
“Telemarians?!?” Rowyn exclaimed in disgust that quickly turned to interest. “Hey, what’s that?”
“What?” Lothy looked up from the ‘Sue’s mental argument. “I don’t see anything. Maybe you’d better lie down or something, Rowyn,” she added, concerned about her partner’s mental state.
“No, really! It’s right over there!” She ran across the hall to an open cell, and emerged triumphantly moments later with a small dragon cradled in her arms. “It’s a mini,” she said with a grin. “Cute, isn’t he?”
“What in Aslan’s name are we supposed to do with that?” Lothy asked.
“I’m not sure…hold him for a minute, would you?” Rowyn handed the mini-dragon over to a startled Lothy and pulled out a thick book, flipping through it. “Ah! Here we go! ‘In the event that a mini is spawned, the Agent(s) will bring the mini back to base, then notify the administrators of the appropriate Fanfiction University.’ So it looks like Telemarian is coming with us.”
“So we just carry him around then?” Lothy asked incredulously.
“I think he’ll fit in my bag. I hope he doesn’t set my books on fire though. I get enough singed pages from Faramin.”
Lothy reached out tentatively and stroked Telmarian’s crest. He stretched his neck and made a low growling sound. Lothy grinned. "He’s cute."
"My lady?" a man’s voice whispered through the small, barred window. "My lady, High Queen?"
Lothy ducked around a nearby corner to listen, while Rowyn stayed out in the hall in plain view. Lothy groaned and pulled her out of sight. “She’ll see you, Rowyn!”
“Oh… sorry,” Rowyn mumbled.
"Who goes there?" she asked, standing and walking over to the door.
"Peridan, ma’am," the man replied, his voice betraying his low bow. "My many greats grandfather, for whom I named, was one of your majesty’s advisors."
"He’s bowing to a wall?" Rowyn snorted, taking care not to notice that Lothy’s hands were curling into fists and her knuckles were whitening.
"She dares!" Lothy hissed. In Rowyn’s arms, Telmarian growled, and a small spout of flame came from his throat and licked at the wall. “And he just happens to know that she’s the same queen who reigned two millennia ago. How convenient,” Lothy snorted. “Stupid plotholes.”
Rowyn snickered. “He’s an ambassador to Calamari? I wasn’t aware that squid were in need of diplomats.”
Beside her, Lothy took ten deep breaths and began to chant. "Must charge first. Must charge first."
Rowyn grimaced and held Telemarian a little tighter. "Uh-oh... shift coming up..."
Lothy winced as the world spun around them and did not resolve. "Oookay...no description," Rowyn said, blinking as she tried to see something in the dull grey fog around them. After a moment, they saw a shadowy shape that looked somewhat like a man bowing on the floor before another shadowy figure, saying that they needed to be rid of the 'Sue.
Lothy began to reach for her bow. "I'll gladly rid you of her presence," she muttered. Rowyn put a restraining hand on her arm.
"Please?" Lothy said, her eyes following the captain as he went to fetch the 'Sue.
"We have to charge her first," Rowyn said calmly.
"So let's!" Lothy cried.
"We don't have enough yet," Rowyn said patiently, shifting the growling Telemarian to her other arm and tightening her grip on Lothy.
"This isn't enough?" Lothy demanded indignantly, gesturing to their surroundings with her bow.
"HQ has to be satisfied, and they might not know the fandom as well," Rowyn said. "But I'll put it on the list." Rowyn then groaned as she realized what the Tisroc had said. "You think you were drunk, because you wanted to keep her prisoner, and now you want to let her go?" She began scribbling furiously...quite a difficult feat, since Telemarian was now perched somewhat awkwardly on her shoulder.
Beside her, Lothy grinned evilly as the captain dragged the 'Sue into the room, which resolved a tiny bit more.
The Tisroc blinked as the slave appeared. Though she was incredibly thin, dirty, and her wrist was swollen, she carried herself as a queen. Her eyes sparkled with rebelliousness, her shoulders were set, and her head remained unbowed. When the captain, who was again on the floor, tugged her to try and get her to bow, she remained upright. Furious, the man hit the back of her legs, right on the knee. Instantly, she hit the floor in a heap.
“Katerina, I have found you a surly and disobedient slave,” the Tisroc said, slightly un-nerved by her outward calm. “Therefore, I shall give you to the Narnian ambassador for a great poet once said, ‘It is in giving to our enemies that they become our friends.’”
As he made this speech, Kat fought to hide her smile.
“The first thing I’m going to do when I get home is give all our poets a raise,” she promised silently.
“Wow, the government increasing funding for the arts? Truly the mark of a fantasy story,” Rowyn said.
Lothy glanced at the words, then grinned. “Ok, we need new disguises. And I know just what to use.”
Rowyn stroked Telemarian, suspecting that the poor mini was unnerved by the strange circumstances he was in. She heard a beep, and then the semi-familiar fizz up her spine that meant the disguise was in place. She looked down at herself and screamed in delight. Rowyn the Agent was now Rowyn the centaur.
Telemarian was almost dropped as Rowyn unsuccessfully tried to bounce around in her new form. "Way cool!" she said, grinning at Lothy and experimentally twitching her auburn-colored tail.
Lothy took a few steps, trying to get used to having four legs instead of only two, then deliberately strung her bow. "Ok, it looks like we're in the ruins of Cair Paravel, so the 'Sue...." she cut off with a cry of outrage as she looked at the words again. "Peter Pensive???"
“Ooh, boy…” Rowyn said. “Looks like you’ve got company, Telemarian.”
"That's it," Lothy said through gritted teeth. "That is the VERY LAST straw!" Pulling a black-feathered arrow from her quiver, she laid it to the string. "That 'Sue is dead the instant she appears."
"We have to charge her, but you can kill her as soon as we're done," Rowyn said comfortingly.
Lothy muttered something under her breath and grudgingly subsided, only to swear loudly a moment later.
"What?" Rowyn asked, startled.
"Your mini burnt me!" Lothy complained.
"Did not, he's been right here the whole time!" Rowyn retorted, motioning to where Telemarian was precariously perched on her back.
Looking down, Lothy saw a tiny mini huddled between her forelegs. Carefully kneeling, she picked it up. "Awww...." she said, cradling it. "You must be Pensive. Isn't he cuuuuute?"
Rowyn grinned. "I hope that OFUN can find some good homes for these two. They've made this assignment a lot more bearable." She frowned as Lothy's hands clenched around her bow once more, and looked over to where the 'Sueified Peter was sitting at a conveniently-placed dressing table among the ruins.
Glancing at the words, she quickly suggested that Lothy feed the newborn mini some bacon. Rowyn sighed with relief as her fellow agent turned away just before Peter began to read a letter.
“My dearest Peter,” it read, he recognized Kat’s flowing script. “How are you? I do hope you are well. Have you caught the White Stag yet? It is very lonely here without you, Susan, Edmund, or Lucy. Come home soon. I have a surprise for you! I should wait till you get home but I cannot. Peter, I, wait. Are you sitting down? Take a moment to take a seat. I know you probably don’t wish to, having been in the saddle all day but think of how much Edmund will laugh if your legs give out! Are you sitting yet?” Peter sat on the worn stool that still sat in front of the table. “Good. All right, here goes. Peter, I’m with child!” He was now VERY glad he had sat down. "Is not it fabulous? I told you not to worry, that we would have an heir and in a few months we shall! I miss you so much, my darling, and I wish you had been with me when the doctor told me. Everything is fine here and yes I am getting enough rest and so on. I-."
Rowyn thought Lothy's eyes were going to pop out of her head, and put a hand on her arm. "Calm down, Lothy. We still have to, like, charge her."
Lothy just stared at Rowyn incredulously. "Why are you talking like that?"
"Like what?" Rowyn asked blankly.
"Like one of those teenagers that write these bloody self-insertion 'Sues and screw up the canon!" Lothy groaned. Her eyes narrowed. "Rowyn...did you take Bleeprin?"
"...Yeah..."
"How many?" Lothy demanded.
"Two...onsh every four hoursh..." Rowyn said, looking slightly dazed.
"That's IT!" Lothy snapped. "You're sleeping this off the second we get back if I have to knock you over the head to make you!"
"Okie....whatever..." Rowyn grinned at her.
"I've had it," Lothy announced to Pensive. "I am going to create a NEW Bleep. Something you can't screw up with."
"I didn't mean to..." Rowyn suddenly looked upset.
Pensive looked over at Rowyn and back at Lothy. He whined slightly. Lothy sighed.
"I... I just lost track of the time. It's, like, really hard to keep track of it here, you know." Rowyn winced as she realized what she had just said, and was about to go off on a self-deprecating tirade when the ‘Sue appeared.
Lothy tensed. "Charge list," she snapped, raising her bow.
"Er....yeah..." Rowyn said, fumbling. Clearing her throat, she started to read.
Katerina, sitting on the back of a talking horse who was able to quote Pirates of the Caribbean quite prolifically, looked up in surprise as she rode into the clearing to find her way to Cair Paravel blocked by two female centaurs. The first, with a creamy buckskin body and a murderous look in her dark eyes, held a drawn bow with the arrow aimed directly at her heart, while the second, her chestnut body almost matching her auburn hair, had a list in her hand and a slightly dazed look on her face.
The second centaur cleared her throat slightly and announced, “Katerina, you are hereby charged with: being a Mary-Sue, creating non-existent positions of royalty in the Narnian government, improbably defying the laws of nature and the aging/healing processes, quoting an entirely different fandom repeatedly, creating two mini-dragons…” She cut off and looked around as a small, scaly creature ran past. “Make that three. Lothy, any idea where that one came from?”
“Alsan,” Lothy muttered through gritted teeth. “Hurry up, would you?”
“Right. Sorry.” Rowyn gave her an apologetic look, then took a deep breath and quickly said, “Creating Incompetent!Aslan, Mopey!Peter, and diplomats to seafood, gratuitous use of magic spells to allow your letter to be preserved, creating an improbably wishy-washy Tisroc, and with generally being annoying."
Lothy didn't bother to ask for last words, nor did she deign to notice the 'Sueified Peter, who was racing down the stairs to try and stop her. She simply shot the 'Sue. Rowyn watched, satisfied, as Peter slowed down, then shook his head as if trying to clear it. He looked around, then spotted his siblings and Trumpkin, and went off to continue their quest to aid Caspian.
“Nice shot,” she said, picking up Alsan and depositing him on her back next to Telemarian.
Lothy looked down at the fallen ‘Sue. “Much better,” she muttered. “So we need to find the Squid Ambassador now, right?” She paused, glaring at Rowyn, who was looking up at the sky dazedly. “Rowyn!”
“Huh? Oh, sorry.” Rowyn looked down at the words. “No more mention of him. He just disappears.”
“It’s just as well. You’d probably end up slicing your own leg off at this point.” Lothy sighed and opened the portal. “C’mon, let’s get you back.”
Rowyn fell asleep almost the instant they got back into their rooms. Lothy, however, went down into the Ultra Secret Lab (cue dramatic music) to experiment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"EUREKA!"
Rowyn groaned and sat up as Lothy came running into her room waving a beaker of clearish liquid.
"Whassat?" she asked, blinking.
"Bleepuvor!" Lothy said triumphantly. Rowyn blinked again.
"Bleepuvor?" she repeated.
"Yep. It’s Bleep, only in miruvor form. The only side effect if you should chance to overdose, which would be difficult in any case-" she pointed to the large label that said ‘ONE SIP EACH HOUR AS NEEDED’ "-is that you get a ten-second vision of Elrond telling you to read labels next time."
For the third time, Rowyn blinked. "And you created this how?"
Lothy shrugged. "Turns out Pensive, Alsan, and Telemarian are pretty smart."
Rowyn groaned. "I’m going back to bed. Good night."